Today's Track : Sandra - Secret Land
...nobody knows who I am, maybe you would understand...

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!

Today's Track : Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees

Friday at work I found out that my company benefits covers massages up to $500 a year. Boy did that make me one happy little camper. Free stuff always makes me a happy litle camper. I swear if they gave away free anal itch in a bottle, I'd be the first one in line. (Then I'd put some in your drink.)

So I asked around the office to see if anyone had taken advantage of this benefit and whether they could recommend someone to me. My coworker recommended this Russian lady that apparently is really good. I don't know about you but when I think about Russian women, I either think-- a) She's a hot babe like Anna Kournikova; b) a flexible gymnast like Svetlana Boganskaya; or c) a manly lesbian woman with large hands like Martina Navratilova. I'm guessing Tolstoy's book Anna Karenina was either about a hot Russian babe who was really flexible in bed or about a big manly Russian woman who had a stutter. But I digress. (If digression was a big white glove, you'd be slapped silly every time you read this blog.)

Anyhow, I call up this lady during my lunch break.

Me - "Hi can I speak to Miss Tiiu Petrova please?"
Man on the phone in a big burly voice - "This is Tiiu, how can I help you?"
Me - *silence*
Tiiu - "Hello?"
Me - "Um...a coworker of mine recommended you for a massage. Do you have any open appointments for next week?"
Tiiu - "How does Tuesday 7:15pm sound?"
Me - "Ok."
Tiiu - "What's your name?"
Me - "Khiem Le"
Tiiu - "Ok Khiem, we'll see you on Tuesday."
Me - "ok Tiiu. *click*"

So I walk over to my coworker's desk who recommended the masseuse to me.

"I guess you forgot to mention to me that this lady is a big manly lady who's going to break every bone in my body huh?".

My coworker replies, "Well she is quite large and she's got pretty strong hands which is why she's so good at massages!"

"Great, just great. Thanks Julie :@"

So now I have a massage appointment with a very large, manly Russian lady on Tuesday. I'm suddenly reminded of that Mad TV skit where the black guy goes to the massage parlour and is greeted by Jim Carrey dressed up as an ugly white lady in a two piece bikini.

Why god? Why have you forsaken me???

Today's Track : The Smiths - The Boy With a Thorn In His Side

Christmas is almost here and you know good spirits are in the air. The whole mood of the season is highly contagious. I wish the entire year was like this. Those scientists need to find a way to package up holiday cheer and good will towards your fellow man in a contagious virus like ebola. Without the bleeding orifices of course. Though the thought of people happily bleeding from their eyes would be quite surreal.

You know as a child, Christmas is a totally different experience than that of an adult. I think the one thing I miss most about the childhood experience is writing letters to Santa Clause and asking him for toys because I was such a good boy all year. Then waking up on Christmas morning and realizing that Santa Claus couldn’t read my writing and mistook “Optimus Prime” for “ugly winter jacket”. I suppose now that I’m older my writing has become a little more readable and concise. I think my letter would go something like this…

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a good man this year. I haven’t been thrown in jail, yet. I’ve drank in moderation the entire year except for my birthday but who doesn’t drink in excess on their birthday? I’m sure you knocked down quite a few egg nogs on your birthday. I’ve been good to my fellow man. The other day I helped my obese friend out by asking her if she’s pregnant. She doesn’t know it now but she’ll thank me later! Her boyfriend has already thanked me.

This year I don’t want too much but here’s a short list of items that I absolutely need…

1. A new computer. My current computer is as slow as mole asses and it keeps freezing up on me when I surf for porn.


2. A digital camera with video mode. My girlfriend and I are planning to make some home videos and take some “holiday” pictures.


3. A new snowboard because my current snowboard keeps injuring me.


4. Shoes. You can never have enough shoes.


5. The Optimus Prime that you never brought me as a kid.

I know you’ve got a lot of orders to fill this year but hopefully you’ll put mine on the top of your list because my family sure as hella won’t. By the way, “hella” is the new hip word for the young generation. It isn’t at all related “hell” which as you know is one hella bad word!

Oh…careful coming down the chimney this year. I think my dad is storing my pool cue there.

Say hi to foxy Mrs.Claus for me.

Sincerely,
Khiem

Today's Track : Veruca Salt - Volcano Girls

quote of the week...

To be honest, i don't have those kinds of hopes. I kind of Serendipity my way through these things....

...reminds me of the island of Serendip and the one eyed mule who only ate grass on the left side of the road...
...

MSN perVersion 6.0

Mashi-Melo says:
so are you at home now or are you still at work with the cool break-room-goodies?
Atrayu says:
I'm at home
Atrayu says:
I took the day off to study and run some errands
Mashi-Melo says:
I see. Study? I thought you already did your exam? How'd that go anyway?
Atrayu says:
I postponed it til next week
Mashi-Melo says:
*tsk tsk* what's with that?
Atrayu says:
I'm the world's greatest procrastinator
Mashi-Melo says:
tough spot you're vying for--you're in competition with the likes of ME...
Mashi-Melo says:
I am STILL in my PJs!!!
Atrayu says:
you've got nothing on me...in fact...I've got nothing on me!
Atrayu says:
I'm naked
Mashi-Melo says:
no, I'M naked
Atrayu says:
but then again that has nothing to do with procrastinating
Mashi-Melo says:
hehehe
Mashi-Melo says:
no, no it doesn't, but it's just as fun
Atrayu says:
I'm always naked when I talk to you
Mashi-Melo says:
I'm touched
Atrayu says:
so am I
Mashi-Melo says:
LoL!!

Today's Track : Counting Crows - Long December

A long December
And there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last.

Every 3 years I go on this walk through the woods and I find a pretty little nymph who offers me cotton candy and popcorn. I gracefully accept knowing full well that the cotton candy and the popcorn are going to rot my teeth. Each time I think the nymph looks prettier and is more benevolent than the last. Each time I’m horribly wrong and I find myself waking up to a cackling witch who passes me my nasty dentures. Hopefully this time I’ll wake up with my teeth intact and nymph panties and bra lying on the floor.

(somehow, somewhere I think this whole analogy violates nymph laws...)

Today's Track : Coldplay - Don't Panic

MSN idle chatter

Tracy – “Isn’t that the guy from neverending story?”
Atrayu – “Yup, you’re right. One of the best movies of all-time!”
Tracy – “I know!! I loved that movie! I had a crush on Atrayu. He was sooo cute!”
Atrayu – “Why thank you!”
Tracy – “And I loved the theme song!!”
Tracy – “Neverending storyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”
Atrayu – “That would be it!”
Tracy – “oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh”
Atrayu – “hahaha”
Tracy – “Neverending storyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”
Atrayu – “hahaha”

Today's Track : Sarah McLaughlin - Fallen

We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

...
You know I really hate small talk. You know the kind where you're at a party enjoying a few veggie sticks at the snack table and you bump into someone you haven't seem in awhile.

"Hey, how's it going? Long time no see!"
"You too! What are you up to these days?"
"Oh not much, just slaving away at work. How's life going with you? Your parents doing ok?"
"Life is pretty good actually and the parents are doing just fine! How's life with you?"

But really all I want to say to people like this is, "Shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my damn carrot stick in peace. There's a reason I haven't seen you in a long time! Neo calls it CHOICE." Really, it doesn't get much worse than small talk. Both parties know full well that they're not the closest of friends and yet they torture themselves by attempting to be cordial. If you're ever standing around at a party and you spot someone you haven't seen in a long time and don't want to see. Keep an eye on that person. If they get within 10 feet of you, you need to get yourself out of there and lickity split!

That's the one good thing about sitting here at home in front of the computer. You don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to. If someone emails you out of the blue that you really don't care to hear from, just hit DELETE! If you ever run into that person and they ask you about it, you can alway use the excuse "Sorry I didn't get your email. My junkmail filter must have deleted it." This is what they were raving about back in the early 90s when everyone was so excited about the internet and email. The choice to ignore people.

Seriously people, stop it with the small talk. If you really are forced to talk to someone, make it interesting. Gossip about fat ex-girlfriends or how old acquaintances now sell used cars for a living. Don't ask people about how their lives are going or about their job. (Unless of course you're talking to an old crush who just had breast augmentation.)

I think years from now when our species' communication has evolved beyond audible words and we can telepathically communicate -- we'll still be thinking small talk. And the only small talk you'll ever get from my brain are a few choice 4-letter words.